lifeandmarriage

It’s been awhile.  I kinda took a hiatus…can you really take a hiatus when you’ve posted only 9 topics?  Well, I did!!  Anyway!!  I seem to find a lot of information on What Women Want?  But not so much on What Men Want.  Frankly, I think it’s because people think Men only want 1 thing!  Well…the truth is…we do want that 1 thing, BUT we want more as well.  I want to change the perception that men are the ones who should always change for the relationship.  Why can’t it be a compromise??  We are different…we were made different, so change or compromise should come from both sides, right??  If women really knew what we wanted then they might be more apt to compromise.  So guys, sit down and really thing and then articulate what you want from your wife/girlfriend.  Ladies…be patient, you know full well we take time to express ourselves.  Here are some general items that men do want, other than that 1 thing

Having your wife believe in you!!

Being accepted…it hurts when ladies want to change us…you fell in love with him for a reason, try to stop tinkering with him!

Affection…we like the surprise kiss or the unexpected massage just as much as you do!

Feel free to add to this list!!

Trust in a marriage.  Wow.  Now I’m getting pretty deep.  This is problem one of the biggest deal breakers of all the marriage issues I’ve talked about.  If your wife can’t trust you or if you can’t trust your wife, hey ladies, it does happen, then you have some serious issues.  So I found a couple who has a marriage blog.  They are a little older than I and have been married a lot longer than I and I figured I’d let them tell you all about how to regain trust in a relationship.  Here’s the link to their blog: http://marriage.about.com/mbiopage.htm  Most of these points focus on cheating, but can also be applied to the simple everyday lies that some people struggle with.  I know I do!  Though I’ll give my insights on each point as well in red.

1. Make a decision to love by trying to let go of the past. Stop obsessing about the situation which broke the trust between you and your spouse. Modern Men and women have a hard time of doing this.  Women probably more so than men, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, but I’ll bet my boxers that my wife can remember that inconsiderate comment I made 5 years ago!  But this is good advice.  Give it a whirl.
2. Decide to forgive or to be forgiven. Easy one for me.  I always decide to be forgiven!
3. If you are the one in your marriage who lied, cheated, etc. show that the errant behavior is gone by changing your behaviors. That means no more secrets, lies, infidelity, etc. Just like Nike says, Just Do It!  You’ll feel better in the end and your relationship will be stronger.
4. Together, set specific goals for getting your marriage back on track. Set out with a plan.  Really talk about it and come to a conclusion together.  That’s what marriage is all about togetherness.
5. Both of you must renew your commitment to your marriage and one another. Key word there is “both”.  You both must be ready to re-commit. 
6. The wounded spouse must share the pain. The other spouse must acknowledge the hurt caused by the devastating experience of being lied to or cheated on. Don’t let the one who was in the wrong slide. 
7. Listen completely to one another and with your heart, not just your head. Sometimes this is hard for both guys and girls.  This is serious stuff and you really need to put everything into it!
8. Be honest. If you can’t be honest now, get out.
9. Avoid using words that can trigger conflict. Use non-blaming ‘I’ statements and don’t say always, must, never, or should. I need to work on this one with “heated discussions”
10. Take responsibility for your own actions and decisions. Man up!  or Woman up!  Whichever the case may be.
11. Be open to seeking counseling to have a better understanding into what caused the trust to be broken. Sometimes it is much easier to have someone else referee and point out things neither of you have seen.
12. Remind one another that you each deserve open and honest answers to your questions about the affair or betrayal. Great point!

Well...whoops I forgot to change the text color!  Well, I hope you enjoyed.  Sorry I missed yesterday, got caught up with my life and marriage!  See ya!

Some would say I’m not an expert at this because I’ve only done it once.  But, under the most ideal circumstances this would be the case, one time in a lifetime.  So I will not claim to be an expert, but someone with a good deal of experience in being part of a wedding and participating in a wedding.

I’ve actually participated in two weddings, my sister’s, and mine.  I had a good time at both, but nothing can beat your own wedding.  But, I did learn a few things along the way I would like to share.

First, and foremost guys.  This is not your wedding, sometimes it won’t even be your wife to be’s wedding.  If you are so luck to have your mother-in-law to-be planning and even paying for the wedding you might, in some circumstances be handing over the entire process to your mother-in-law.  Now…if you can handle this, by all means, but I just mention it so you won’t be surprised.

Now this might seem counter to what I just said, but this is also true.  Things don’t seem to make sense during the planning phase and this is one of those things.  It won’t matter.  It won’t matter if there is no alcohol at the reception.  It won’t matter what color the tablecloths are.  You will be so tired and spent from all the stress that none of it will matter.  You probably won’t eat much the night of the reception so don’t worry about the food.  You might not even have a bite of that cake, so don’t worry about it.  The only few things, that you, as a guy, should fight for would be your tux, your groomsmen tuxes, and the pictures/videographer.  Get the best of all theses.  You will probably have more control over these few things than anything else, so take advantage!

For crying out loud be on time.  Guys are bad at being places on time.  Except for me  Right honey?  My wife was late…but was I worried…heck no! well maybe   All kidding aside.  Be on time!

Enjoy it.  Enjoy it all.  It only happens once, or should only happen once.  So enjoy it.  Take it all in, don’t take it for granted.  Have fun and live it up!  I did and I have the video of me doing the worm!

Thanks for stopping by.  I’d love to hear your stories!

One of the biggest problems I had when I got out of college was finding a job.  You all are all saying, well duh!!  But, here was my problem.  I had a career picked out and certain things, out of my control, happened that forced me to find something else to do with my life.  So what do you do when you need to find a job, but don’t know what to do?  I’ve done tons of research and decided to compile a list of things you can do to find that career field that is just right for you.  Feel free to add to the list and find something that works just right for you.

1. Go to the mall and walk around.  What stores do you find yourself walking into?  Go to the bookstore and walk around?  What sorts of books are you looking at?  Computer books?  Finance books?  Real Estate books?  Cooking, cleaning, sports…whatever it is this might be an indication of where your intersts lie.

2. Write it down.  Write down what things you would like to do.  Do you like working with people?  Do you like being by yourself.

3. Align your job search to your education.  This was a little hard for me since I got a degree in sociology and now I’m a business managment consultant.  But really…it does make sense.  I have a great perception of people and what they want and these things are perfect in dealing with change in a company.

4.  Pick a color:)  So there is a new study out there that says your favorite color will align you to your job.  I tried it and it was pretty accurate.  Don’t knock it till you try it!

5. Be patient.  It will probably take about 6 months to find a job.  I moved to a new state and it took almost to the day for me to start my new job.

There it is.  How did your job search go?  What are you doing to find a job?  Any suggestions?  Any problems I can help with?  Let me know.  Thanks for stopping by!

Spending quality time with your partner.  What is that? How do we do that?  What does that mean to a man?  What does that mean to a woman?  Just as men and women communicate differently, we think of quality time differently as well.  The one thing that must happen is for both of you to commit to making time with each other.  This can be as easy as going for a walk around the block or meeting for lunch.  The difference for men and women are that women spend time together then want to get closer.  However, men, what do we do?  We get close then pull away to regain our independence.  So there needs to be a balance between men and women.  Both sides also need to recognize these facts as to not get upset by the different perceptions the other sex has.

Men we need to understand that by getting close that we can’t then suddenly pull away.  Women make sure that you don’t get so clingy that it suffocates your guy.  Keeping the lines of communication open will eliminate a lot of problems.  Where do you all stand?  What do you all do for quality time?

Soooo…I work at a company that hires from the best schools in the country.  I work with extremely smart and hard working people.  But…I’ve found that working hard is a much better way to get through life rather than just being smart.  Now I’m not talking about “work smarter not harder”.  I’m talking about the folks who rest everything they’ve done on what school they went to.  Put in the hours, do it right the first time, and you’ll impress a lot of people along the way.

What works for you all?  Is it a combination of the school you went to and working hard?  What is working hard?  I actually heard a quote once, granted it was off of Sportscenter, but it went something like this.  ‘The world is ruled by C students who went to State’!  I love this quote, not because I was a C student, actually I was more of a C+ student and I also went to a state school.  But rather, I think it represents America, the hard working folks are the ones who are able to get ahead in life.

I hope this generates some talk out there.  Let me know what you think!

Is there a right way to fight?  What are the rules of engagement?  This is one of the areas in marriage and relationships, that I must admit, I don’t know how to do very well!!  That takes a lot for me to admit.  However, this is one of the areas I want very much to improve.  I find that I can’t keep my head cool during an argument and keep my thoughts straight.  However, I’m very good at apologizing.  Since I’m not very good at fighting I needed to go out and do some research.  Here is Fighting Fair: 7 Rules Your Relationship Can’t Live Without by Mary Mitchell on:

http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/0,,cr7,00.html

  FIGHTING FAIR: 7 Rules

1. Use “I” language. The word “you” will, most assuredly, cause someone to become defensive. The minute we hear “You did this” or “You did that,” we feel we are being judged and our automatic human reaction is to defend our position. The moment we become defensive, communication stops.

2. No “zinging.” Many of us think a little, friendly “zing” or sarcastic remark is harmless. Not so. In fact, one of the number-one indicators of underlying conflict or negativity within a work environment or relationship is increased sarcasm. There is nothing harmless about it.

3. Don’t “chase rabbits.” Not sticking to the topic at hand, or chasing rabbits, creates a negative emotional reaction in others. When we don’t stick to the point, the person trying to listen is first confused, then impatient and finally resentful.

4. Don’t interrupt. It’s not only rude, but it often creates the opposite of what we want to achieve. When we interrupt, we generally think we will end or reduce the length of the conversation, but the opposite is true.

5. Restate what you heard. We should make this tip a habit in all our conversations. If we have restated the other person’s message correctly, their reaction will most often be, “She DID understand me!” Then you can move on to the next issue.

6. Ask questions that will clarify, not judge. A question should never begin with the word “why.” That puts people on the defensive — and we know that defensiveness stops conversation rather than continues it.

7. Stay in the today, not the yesterday. Often, when we talk about the yesterdays, we tend to throw up the past, or blame. Blaming is a judgment and automatically causes the other person to become defensive.

Everyone needs a hobby.  Sometimes you need more than one hobby.  It’ll keep you sane.  It’ll keep your girlfriend or wife sane.  And a sane couple is a happy couple!  I personally have a couple of hobbies…I have my pilot’s license which is an expensive hobby, I also play video games (when I have time).  I also play soccer.  My wife runs…a lot.  But hey…who am I to criticize?  Being able to get out, do something on your own, without any worry about anything or anybody else will make you feel so much better as a person and add greatly to a relationship.  I mentioned to my wife the other day that since I’ve been playing soccer 3 or 4 times a week I’ve felt great and she commented that she could tell a difference!  That’s a wonderful feeling since I felt a little guilty about playing so much.  But, each game is only about an hour no more than the time she goes for a run.  So it was great to hear that.  Which brings me to my next point. 

 

Encourage each other to find a hobby, get out and do something.  Now guys…I know how we think…don’t push too hard.  You need to be very careful with this.  If you push too hard she’ll begin to think you just want her out of the house just to have her out of your house.  So be sincere.  Now Ladies, on the flip side, if your man starts suggesting that you get out and find a hobby, don’t go off the deep end.  He may actually have your well being in mind and wants you to find something to do on your own that you enjoy!

So go out there and find something to do.  Even if it is reading a book.  Get lost for a couple of hours and then find your way back to the one you love!

What sort of hobbies do you all have?  Do you have any problems with your significant other when it comes to your hobby?  Let’s hear it!      

 

Ahh…communications.  Every man’s favorite…er..uh..loathed word.  Women use conversation to negotiate closeness and intimacy, men on the other hand use conversation to negotiate status in a group and keep people from pushing you around. Boys did “things” with their friends, girls could just sit and talk.  So, from that, it shouldn’t be surprising that men show intimacy in a physical way (doing things) and women show intimacy talking with their beau.  But, that’s a whole other post, and we’ll get there!

But with that, no wonder we have such a hard time communicating when are brains view the act so differently.  I think the biggest thing couples can do is to verbally express to each other that they understand the differences and then work towards a compromise.  We need to understand that not either side will be able to “change” the other one, which I’m sorry to say to women out there, you shouldn’t try to do to a man.  We’ve had years of practice.  But, men can, when given the right circumstances; stars aligned with the planets, ocean tides being both low and high at the same time, we will compromise.  And, I’m confident that women can compromise their views as well.

Understanding what the other person in the relationship views communication as, is the first step.  And, I don’t mean say, “Oh yeah she thinks of talking as being close” and leave it at that.  No guys…really understand that her talking to you about your job or her job or the problems she had that day is really bringing her closer to you.  Try not to solve all the worlds problems or be logical about it, understand where she is coming from.  And ladies, you thought I forgot about you all, well I didn’t…really understand that talking to him is a logical, fact finding, problem solving experience, he won’t feel the same way you are feeling at that moment when you are talking to him, but if he’s reading this post, he’ll try and understand where you are coming from.  One of the biggest problems in any dispute is communication, so by understanding how the “other side” thinks will help out in the end.

With that I leave it open to questions and comments.  Thanks for stopping by.

So I don’t claim to be an expert at life and marriage.  I just want to create a forum where men and women can come to discuss the issues that I raise on Life and Marriage.  I want to talk about everything, and will ultimately focus it more for the guys out there, well because I’m a guy.  However, I want and need comments from the gals, because face it we need your help so we can become better boyfriends, husbands, fathers, and people.  I’ve got plenty of topics from communication in marriage to finding the right hobbies in life.  If you have a particular topic you’d like to discuss, let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

This will be tasteful.  I’m not here to bash anyone and don’t want others to bash anyone else.  Everyone gets angry and everyone has their faults, we are all a work in progress.  Let’s be logical and keep our calm as we discuss it all.  I hope to make this light and I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun in the process.